Missing fingernail eventually makes a funny story

By: 

Lorna Marquardt Leader Columnist

Laughter is mentioned 42 times in the Bible. I believe God has a sense of humor. I think He wants us to enjoy life and not to take ourselves too seriously.

What makes you laugh? We don’t all laugh at the same things. My hubby, for example, laughs at the antics of “The Three Stooges” and “The Addams Family.” He thinks Morticia, Uncle Fester and Wednesday are funny. I have watched the shows with him and just can’t see the humor.

On the other hand, I think “The Office” and old reruns of “Seinfeld” and “All in the Family” are hilarious. Every time I see the episode, “No soup for you,” or Elaine dancing, I laugh. I find the conversations between Archie, Edith and Meathead hysterical.

Great Britain voted this as the No. 1 joke recently. I wonder if this makes you laugh: A lady got on a bus. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The lady goes to the rear of the bus and sits down fuming. She says to the man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold the monkey for you.”

Quite honestly, I didn’t see the humor in that joke, but my hubby did. Seeing it was voted as the No. 1 joke, it is my sense of humor that must be lacking. However, give me a good pun, and I appreciate the humor. I think puns are the best, while my hubby absolutely hates them.

A few of my favorite puns include: A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bartender here?”

A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got my shelf to blame.

Purple is my favorite color; I like it better than blue and red combined.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but thankfully, I turned myself around.

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

Over the years, I learned to laugh at myself; that’s a good thing because I’ve done some incredibly stupid things during my lifetime. One that comes to mind happened shortly after I was elected alderperson.

For those of you who have the pleasure of knowing Nancy Syndergaard, you know she is a distinguished, elegant lady. She was kind enough to “take me under her wing” and teach me proper protocol and the importance of researching issues coming before council.

Nancy invited me to lunch one day. We went to the Black Forest, a nice restaurant owned by Doug and Bev Burris. I was nervous going to lunch with her as she smiled effortlessly when staff and patrons greeted her. She immediately put me at ease. We ordered our lunch and chatted.

Suddenly, I looked down at my hand and discovered one of my newly done acrylic nails was gone! OMG, where was it? I moved things around on our table. Nancy watched my strange antics inquisitively. I began looking on the floor. She finally asked, “Lorna, is something wrong? Did you lose something?”

Embarrassed beyond words, I replied, “Yes, my fingernail has gone missing.” Bless her heart, Nancy started looking, too. She commented, “I know it was there when we sat down, I was admiring how pretty your nails are. It has to be here somewhere.”

Our waitress noticed our searching, and she joined in the search. Suddenly, it dawned on me. The closure on my hoop earring had opened and I fixed it. Good grief! I told Nancy my fear. Nancy commented, “After we eat lunch, I think I better take you over to the clinic.”

When the receptionist at the clinic desk asked me if I had an appointment, I told her no. She inquired why I was there. I could see her holding back a smile when I explained I might have a fingernail in my ear.

Dr. Thomas’s nurse offered to look in my ear. She exclaimed, “Yes, I can see the nail stuck down in there.” She smiled and added, “Perhaps I can remove it and you won’t have to see Dr. Thomas.” She left and came back with an instrument with a long handle, much like a giant tweezers. She very carefully extracted the nail from my ear. I was incredibly grateful I didn’t have to see the doctor.

Well, any thoughts of making a good impression on my political mentor were pretty much out the window, but for some unknown reason, every time I thought about it, I couldn’t help but laugh. Although painfully embarrassing, I saw this as another one of my own “I Love Lucy” episodes. My hubby, not unlike Ricky Ricardo, just shook his head and bemoaned, “Oh Lorna, why do you do those things?”

Question: Who was Shawano’s chief of police in 1959, and who was the sheriff?

Clothesline Conversation Answer: The police chief was Harold Pingel, and the sheriff was Hugo Baker.

Lorna Marquardt is a former mayor of Shawano.